How to talk to a parent about the bathroom

You have probably already had this conversation once, and it probably did not go well. Very few of these do, first time. It is not because your parent is stubborn. It is because of what the conversation sounds like from their chair.

You are talking about a bathroom. They are hearing a verdict on whether they can still look after themselves. Those are different conversations, and until the second one is dealt with the first one cannot start.

What not to lead with

• A story about somebody who had an accident. It reads as a warning about them, and the shutters come down.
• Anything that starts with what you cannot do any more. Even gently. Especially gently.
• A decision you have already made. If a brochure appears before a conversation, the answer is no on principle, and it will stay no.
• Money, first. Offering to pay too early turns it into charity, and a proud parent will refuse charity before they refuse a bathroom.

What tends to work instead

Talk about the room, not the person. A bath is a high sided, slippery, awkward thing and that is a fact about the bath. Plenty of people in their 50s have swapped one for a shower simply because it is nicer. The job is a home improvement that happens to be useful, and framed that way it is a great deal easier to say yes to.

Ask rather than tell. A useful opening is simply: how are you finding the bath these days? Then wait. People tell you the truth about a bath far more readily than they tell you the truth about themselves, and the answer that comes back is usually the whole conversation.

Let the practical detail do the persuading. Most parents are not resisting the shower. They are resisting mess, strangers in the house, and the idea of the bathroom looking like a ward. Being able to say it is 4 days, the toilet stays usable, and here are photographs of somebody's finished bathroom that looks completely normal, answers more than any argument about safety will.

The two person problem

In most families one person does the researching and the other holds the veto. If you are the researcher, the mistake to avoid is arriving with the answer. Arrive with the price ranges and let them choose. Reading that a bath swap typically runs from around £3,500 puts the decision back in their hands, which is the thing they are actually defending.

And if the answer is still no, leave it. A no this month is very often a yes in the spring, particularly after a winter of finding the bath difficult. Nothing here expires.

When there is a deadline

Sometimes there is a hospital discharge date and no time for any of this. In that case say so plainly, ask what would make it bearable rather than whether it should happen, and get somebody out to look at the room quickly. A home visit is free and commits you to nothing, and having a real price and a real timescale in front of you turns a panic into a decision.